the-average-gatsby:

alright you guys have posted some pretty bad jokes on here but not one comes close to this doozy

brace yourselves

so there’s a far-off place that consists of a perfectly triangular lake surrounded by land, with three kingdoms on the three sides of the lake. the first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people. the second kingdom is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power, too. the third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.

the kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it’s a valuable resource to have. the first kingdom sends 100 of their finest knights, clad in the best armor and each with their own personal squire. the second kingdom sends 50 of their knights, with fine leather armor and a few dozen squires of their own. the third kingdom sends their one and only knight, an elderly warrior who has long since passed his prime, with his own personal squire.

the night before the big battle, the knights in the first kingdom drink and make merry, partying into the late hours of the night. the knights in the second kingdom aren’t as well off, but have their own supply of grog and also drink late into the night.

in the third camp, the faithful squire gets a rope and slings it over the branch of a tall tree, making a noose, and hangs a pot from it. he fills the pot with stew and has a humble dinner with the old knight.

the next morning, the knights in the first two kingdoms are hung over and unable to fight, while the knight in the third kingdom is old and weary, unable to get up. in place of the knights, the squires from all three kingdoms go and fight. the battle lasts long into the night, but by the time the dust settled, only one squire was left standing - the squire from the third kingdom.

and it just goes to show you that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides

As advertised.

(via angualupin)

@2 days ago with 26277 notes
thingsorganizedneatly:

A berry bowl, (deconstructed). Almonds, blueberries, strawberries, qi’a, yogurt, honey and raspberries. Part of a series.

thingsorganizedneatly:

A berry bowl, (deconstructed). Almonds, blueberries, strawberries, qi’a, yogurt, honey and raspberries. Part of a series.

@2 days ago with 1346 notes
@4 days ago with 2229 notes

wifipasswords:

Let’s play a fun game called “we’re just friends but I’d fuck you if you asked”

(via makingofcyborg)

@4 days ago with 415008 notes

phon3y:

I laughed so hard I woke up my dad.

(Source: unlucky-artist, via prinsesprieeltje)

@4 days ago with 528388 notes
heliotrooper:

AND HERE WE HAVE MY BIGGEST FUCKING PET PEEVE

heliotrooper:

AND HERE WE HAVE MY BIGGEST FUCKING PET PEEVE

(Source: moosekleenex, via misplacedland)

@1 week ago with 222600 notes

because-b:

alekzmx:

a whole buch of Guys with Cats

My fave is the one with the Sphynx, followed by the Siamese. :3

(Source: mansexfashion, via faabyy21)

@1 week ago with 66774 notes

Help! I Keep Buying Her Things, But She Won’t Fuck Me

thatbadadvice:

Ask Willie D, Houston Press, 17 July 2014:

Dear Willie D: I met a young lady who is 23 years old with two kids. We have been seeing each other for about three months and I still have not rounded the bases, if you know what I mean. We were kissing one night and when I tried to take it further, she told me the next time she has sex it will be with the man she marries. I think she is full of s—-. She got pregnant twice by two men who never married her, and didn’t give a damn about her, or her kids. She’s also been with five other men — so she says. Now I come along and do all the right things: treat her good, buy her nice things, and take her out, and she wants to act like Sweet Polly Purebred. I really like her a lot, but I’m not ready for marriage. At the same time I’m a man and I have needs. Should I dump her, or hang in there and see where things go from here?

Literally every woman who has ever had sex before in her life personally owes it to you to have sex with you as well. Sex is something that women owe men who buy them things, because sex is a transaction and women’s bodies are currency.

It’s too bad that this ignorant broad can’t see how much better you are than all those entitled users she dated before who didn’t give a damn about what she wanted.

@1 week ago with 259 notes

"I tell my students, ‘When you get these jobs that you have been so brilliantly trained for, just remember that your real job is that if you are free, you need to free somebody else. If you have some power, then your job is to empower somebody else. This is not just a grab-bag candy game.’"

Toni Morrison (via thisislove)

(via startrekrenegades)

@2 days ago with 4715 notes

doppelgender:

sleeping is hard in the summer because blankets are too warm but without blankets im vulnerable to monsters

i know this is super silly but i am just not sleeping as well.

(via record-and-play)

@2 days ago with 267347 notes

What the fuck, Belgium?

De regering zit, wat, een week? een maand? en nu al een vermoedelijke verdubbeling van het inschrijvingsgeld in het hoger onderwijs.

Echt goed gedaan, mannen. Strak plan. Sta mij toe al de rechtste stemmers nogmaals te feliciteren. 

@4 days ago with 1 note

tashabilities:

hylianears:

micdotcom:

Canadian music festival takes huge step against Native appropriation

Follow micdotcom 

From their announcement:

For various reasons, Bass Coast Festival is banning feathered war bonnets, or anything resembling them, onsite. Our security team will be enforcing this policy.

We understand why people are attracted to war bonnets. They have a magnificent aesthetic. But their spiritual, cultural and aesthetic significance cannot be separated.

Bass Coast Festival takes place on indigenous land and we respect the dignity of aboriginal people. We have consulted with aboriginal people in British Columbia on this issue and we feel our policy aligns with their views and wishes regarding the subject. Their opinion is what matters to us.

Niiiiiiice

(via faabyy21)

@4 days ago with 49999 notes

feferippeixes:

jeeviaz:

dallerus:

egguanas:

okay but how about FIRE MERMAIDS THAT LIVE IN LAVA

magma.. mermaids.. magmermaids???

image

What about this? 

image

magmaids!

(Source: jadebro, via misplacedland)

@4 days ago with 112223 notes

(Source: charlimansonn, via misplacedland)

@1 week ago with 43642 notes

lamouretlesmensonges said: I once read an erotic story where this guy's dick was 11 inches long and basically the whole story was a bunch of girls deepthroating him and taking his entire length into their mouths and i just... i just can't.

wtffanfiction:

image

Seems legit.

@1 week ago with 554 notes